“This is what I find myself writing to myself on the page: ‘I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long. I will stay with you…There is nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.’ Tonight, this strange interior gesture of friendship- the lending of a hand from me to myself- reminds me of something that happened to me in New York City. I walked into an office building and dashed into the elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glimpse of myself in the mirror. In that moment my brain did an odd thing- it fired off this split-second message: ‘Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant, of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page: Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”(p. 54)
This story in the book and most notably the quote at the end really hit home with me for a few reasons.
Firstly, that whole embarrassing mirror experience has happened to me (thank goodness I am not the only one!!). I actually remember when it happened to me because I was in hospital back in 2003, after being diagnosed with a blood disorder, and that I considered myself the enemy. I remember seeing ‘a friend’s reflection’ in the window of a hospital lobby and I had that same gut reaction as Elizabeth did. I remember feeling a sinking feeling when I realized it was ‘just me’ in the reflection and that sense of happiness faded quickly. As I recognized myself, I remember saying something negative about myself almost immediately, when just before, I had seen a beautiful, smiling friend looking at me.
Reading this passage in the book made me sad for that experience that I had, but it also made me happy that I no longer get that sinking feeling when I see my reflection in a window or mirror. I see a friend looking back at me, and for years this wasn’t the case. This only changed when I started treating myself like a friend instead of some annoying pest that was constantly screwing up her life and doing everything imperfectly. Make no mistake, our thoughts define how we perceive the world, including ourselves.
I think this quote is so powerful and I almost did a dance when I read it over: “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.” I think this shows that when we leave our negative thoughts out of the picture and let our instincts take over, we will find that we love ourselves and that we see ourselves as a friend. Only when we let the negative thoughts ‘win’ do we start to entertain the thought that we are something else other than a friend.
Quote 3:
Elizabeth says: “There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction…I can select what I eat and read and study. I can choose how I’m going to view unfortunate circumstances in my life- whether I will see them as curses or opportunities (and on the occasions when I can’t rise to the most optimistic viewpoint, because I’m feeling too damn sorry for myself, I can choose to keep trying to change my outlook). I can choose my words and the tone of my voice in which I speak to others.
And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.
This last concept is a radically new idea for me. Richard from Texas brought it to my attention recently when I was complaining about my inability to stop brooding. He said, ‘Groceries, you need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select what clothes you’re going to wear everyday. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control. Drop everything else but that. Because if you can’t learn to master your thinking, you’re in deep trouble forever.”
On first glance, this seems a nearly impossible task. Control your thoughts? Instead of the other way around. But imagine if you could? This is not about repression or denial. Repression and denial set up elaborate games to pretend that negative thoughts and feeling are not occurring. What Richard is talking about is instead admitting to the existence of negative thoughts, understanding where they come from and why they arrived, and then- with great forgiveness and fortitude – dismissing them. This is a practice that fits hand in glove with any psychological work you do during therapy.
It’s a sacrifice to let them go of course. It’s a loss of old habits, comforting old grudges and familiar vignettes. Of course, this all takes practice and effort. It’s not a teaching that you can hear once and then expect to master it immediately. It is constant vigilance and I want to do it. I need to do it for my strength.
So I’ve started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.” (p. 177-179)
I just love this quote!
For years and years, I didn’t know that because of my life and the turmoil that I was in, I became a negative person on the inside. Let alone, I didn’t know that I was neglecting myself. I was so focus on taking care of everyone. I didn’t care if I was getting things in return, or be loved and appreciated for the great things I have done. For some, it was an obligation. Never mind the effort and the attention I have put in and how much love I have given. I was in the GIVE, GIVE, GIVE mode. I was concern with making everyone happy, but deep inside, it build something far greater than negative thoughts. I became NUMB! And with numbness, negativity emerged. My thoughts were always negative and I too thought that I was powerless and couldn’t control them. I also believed that my thoughts equaled truth. So I believed them. It was not until last year that I realized that I was ALIVE again! Inside my heart, there was a little ounce of sensitivity left. This little “ounce” started helping me understand myself and for the first time, this “ounce” grabbed me and woke me up. It made me feel wanted. And better yet, it significantly started replacing negative thoughts with a countering positive thought, eventually I started believing positive thoughts. This little “ounce” was actually bigger than I could possibly imagine. Through practice, this is exactly what I experienced. As soon as I decided to start thinking more optimistically, instead of letting my negative thoughts run on autopilot, I became a happier person. It also made me open myself more. Talk about my feelings more. Sharing and accepting my life changes. I would guess that I have decreased my negative thoughts by about 75%. I still struggle with negative thoughts on a daily basis, but I now know that I can dismiss them most of the time.
As a Psychologist/Counselor, I would like for you to try this approach just like Richard told Elizabeth:
1. Admit to the existence of negative thoughts,
2. Understand where they come from and why they arrived,
3. With great forgiveness and fortitude – dismiss them.
Quote #4:
Elizabeth wrote, “On my ninth day of silence, I went into meditation one evening on the beach as the sun was going down and I didn't stand up again until after midnight. I remember thinking, “This is it Liz.” I said to my mind, “This is your chance. Show me everything that is causing you sorrow. Let me see all of it. Don't hold anything back.” One by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood out to identify themselves. I look at each start, at each unit of sorrow, and acknowledged its existence and felt (without trying to protect myself from it) it's horrible pain. And then I would tell that sorrow, “It's okay. I love you. I accept you. Come into my heart now. It's over.” I would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room). Then I would say, “Next?” And the next bit of grief would surface. I would regard it, experience it, blessed it, and invite it into my heart, too. I did this with every sorrowful thought I've ever had - reaching back into years of memory - until nothing was left. Then I said to my mind, “Show me your anger now.” One by one, my life’s every incident of anger rose and made itself known. Every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. I saw them all, one by one, and acknowledged their existence. I felt each piece of anger completely, as if it was happening for the first time, and then I would say, “Come into my heart now. You can rest there. It's safe now. It's over. I love you.” This went on for hours, and I slung between these mighty poles of opposite feelings - experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against his brothers and gave up fighting.
Then came the most difficult part, “Show me your shame,” I asked my mind. Dear God, the horrors that I saw then - a pitiful parade of all my failings, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. I didn't blink from any of it, though. “Show me your worst,” I said. When I tried to invite these units of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, “No - you don't want me in there….don’t you know what I did?” And I would say, “I do want you. Even you. I do. Even you are welcome here. It's okay. You are forgiven. You are part of me. You can rest now. It's over.” When all of this was finished, I was empty. Nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. I look into my heart, and my own goodness, and I saw its capacity. And I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. Its love was infinite. I knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, that there is no such thing as universe as hell, except maybe in our own terrified mind. Because if even one broken and limited human being experience even one such episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine – just imagine - what God, in all HIS eternal compassion, could forgive and accept." (p. 327-328)
For me, this is the most important part of the book. This part about forgiveness is so powerful. We must appreciate and accept that we are humans and we will make mistakes. I have tons of it already. And so do you, so stop being hypocrites. Admit it! Stop looking at the faults of others and comparing them to yours. No one is perfect. No one can really define you, but yourself. No one can compare the uniqueness of each person’s life path and determine which one is good and which one is bad. It’s not fair! This is it folks! We are given the chance to live, ONLY ONCE and to live according to our choices. One shot to make it. One chance to determine which path to go with. One chance to find yourself, and love yourself for who you are not because of what people expect you to be. So what if it doesn’t please anyone. So what if you messed up? I realized that as long as I know in my heart and mind that MY LIFE is what I make out of it, then I must go - push forward and never let no one hold me back. People will criticize me, ridicule me, and even judge me, but I don’t care anymore! I like who I am now. More importantly, if you serve a higher being, even if you don’t, having FAITH even in yourself will give you the urge to do better, to listen carefully, and to transform. And the most important thing about transformation is be forgiving of ourselves! I realized that the things that happened in my life were not all my fault. Life is not perfect, and so am I. And honestly speaking, even if they were my fault, I found solitude in knowing that I have forgiven myself. It might have taken longer than expected, but slowly and surely….finally I DID!
As I read Elizabeth’s final words in page 328 (she was talking to her heart), she said, “I love you. I will never leave you. I will always take care of you!” I realized that the way I love myself now is something I will be grateful for the rests of my time here on earth. More than anything, I realized that my heart is capable of loving more. Somewhere down the road in 2010, I was free and started to feel again. The numbness is gone. I finally found my true sense of self. I am a better person now because I am loved, appreciated, and respected. Actually, that is all I really wanted….not really much to ask for from a girl like me. But now, I really don’t have to wait or ask for it anymore, it is given to me ~ simply for being ME.
~Ella~
Three weeks ago, while in Seoul, I watched the movie “Eat, Pray, Love.” As soon as I got back home to Dague, I had an unusual craving to eat a whole bowl of pasta, painted red from tomatoes, green from basil, and white from garlic and onions. I stood in my kitchen and toiled away at a sauce recipe that I had magically just come up with. Guess what? It was perfect in its own rustic sort of way. It filled my hunger more so because it was my creation, and my creation was filled with inspiration.
Quote 1:
"It was in a bathtub back in New York, reading Italian words aloud from a dictionary, that I first started mending my soul. My life had gone to bits and I was so unrecognizable to myself that I probably couldn’t have picked me out from a police line-up. But I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt- this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight. I came to Italy pinched and thin. I did not know yet what I deserved. I still maybe don’t know fully what I deserve. But I do know that I have collected myself of late- through the enjoyment of harmless pleasures- into somebody more intact. The easiest, most fundamentally human way to say it is that I have put on weight. I exist more now than I did four months ago. I will leave Italy noticeably bigger than when I arrived here. And I will leave with the hope and the expansion of one person- the magnification of one life- is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody’s but my own.” (p. 115)
I thought that was one of the most powerful quotes in the book so far. I absolutely loved this quote ‘you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt’ it gave me such a great visual and helped me understand her sentiment. I also agree that sometimes happiness comes from the little things in life. I think many of us get overwhelmed by assuming that we need to do all of these huge and crazy changes to be happy, but sometimes happiness comes from a small decision to just pursue something that you enjoy- even if it has no practical purpose.
For me, my glimmer of happiness was writing. The years 2003 – 2009 were one of the most difficult times of my life and I was struggling with my personal life, career, my illness, and graduate school. I was depressed and I cried in bed so many nights. Writing was my glimmer of hope each day- a distraction from the unhappiness that I felt with all the turmoil I was going through. It was something so simple as writing a few words each day that gave me the hope and perspective that things will be better soon, someday, even in the future. Little did I know that something as simple as writing would have been the thing that gave me the courage, confidence, and desire to seek out happiness, not just for a few moments every day, but for my entire day. Sometimes, these little glimmers of happiness can be the seeds for amazing change and transformation in our lives. Then the year 2010 came along, and there it was, the HAPPINESS that I didn’t expect to find at all. It was the happiness that sets everything apart. It was the happiness that was meant for me, and the happiness that was worth all the trials and tribulations in my life and more importantly, worth waiting for. All I can say now is thank you for finding me and I love you HAPPINESS.
I also loved her analogy about ‘putting on weight’. When Elizabeth went through her divorce she lost about 25-30 pounds and was skeletal. Putting on weight was not just a representation that she was getting healthier, but it was a metaphor for the growth that was happening on the inside of her as well. I thought it was so interesting because so many women denote weight gain with a negative emotion or loss of control, but sometimes weight gain represents a time in your life when you are enjoying the pleasures of life and just…happy.
Quote 2: